A few days ago I wrote an entry about coming to a decision regarding my current therapist. And now I have. I mean, in many ways I think the decision was made a reasonably long time ago, but I’ve now decided to actually take the plunge.
I’m happy that I’ve finally made the decision, but having worried for weeks about the actual decision I have now moved on to obsessing about telling B. about it. Giving her the bad news, as it were.
You see, a part of me feels quite bad about it. Ending therapy. Not for MY sake, but for her. She’s still in training, you see – and although I think she has been seeing clients for quite some time now, I’m not sure if she’s had the experience of someone terminating therapy with her before owing to a lack of connectedness. I mean, that’s kind if personal, really. Or, at least, interpersonal.
As I was saying to a friend of mine earlier today; although I know that the lack of rapport between myself and B. is a two way thing, it can easily be heard as criticism on her part. I do know that dealing with clients terminating therapy is something all therapists have to come to terms with, but I still feel quite bad about it. I just can’t help it. It feels like I’m breaking up with her; and as we all know – breaking up is hard to do.
Still, the decision has been made. And I am sure that it is the right one. For me.
As I’ve mentioned before one of my worries about ending therapy with B. was that I might find it difficult to find another therapist who’d be willing to work with me. I mean, people haven’t exactly been falling over themselves to do it.
But, I am hopeful. I’ve been in touch with two separate organisations, and I am seeing one therapist next Friday, and I have another initial assessment booked in two weeks after that, should it turn out that the person I am seeing first is again not quite right for me. I am hoping that she will be; it would be such a relief if she was – but, as I’ve found out, there just aren’t any guarantees.
I have talked to the person I’m seeing next Friday on the phone, and I did get a good feeling about her (in contrast to the first time I spoke to B. on the phone and I came away having quite a few concerns), so fingers crossed it’ll be ok.
Anyway, regardless of what happens, it’s going to have to happen one step at the time.