So, I’m back in the land of the living again. I’m out and about and doing things. The flashbacks seem to have ceased – I’m on day seven of no flashbacks at all, and I feel like a new person.
The thing is that I know that these periods of flashbacks, as horrendous as they are, do pass. It’s just that when I’m in the middle of one I find it so incredibly hard to remember that, to focus on that.
It’s very hard to deal with anything when you’re fighting off your past on an hour to hour [or sometimes minute to minute] basis, because it leaves you with no safe space to look at things rationally, and it’s very hard to look past the current reality. I know I’ve gone on about these flashbacks a bit, but they really are that hard to cope with. They’re debilitating. They truly are. And because you are so caught up in it all it’s neigh on impossible to do anything even remotely constructive with the memories you’re flooded with.
Now that this particular period seems to have passed, I hope that I’ll be able to do something with the memory of it. Now that I’ve got a bit of distance from it. But it is difficult. There’s a part of me that wants desperately to explore the things that happened back then, and there is another part of me that wants nothing more than to run as far away from it as I possibly can.
So, it’s slow progress.
As I mentioned in a previous post, I was able to share a drawing I’d made with A. And I think that was good. It was bloody hard, but it was good. It was needed. Yet I find so terribly difficult to stick with it. There are other things, other memories, I feel a strong need to talk about. But I feel unable to. It’s too scary, too big. So I talk about other things instead.
It’s not a complete shying away from it, because it’s still there, on the surface of my conscious. But, I just can’t bring myself to say the words. So I don’t. A part of me wants to take the plunge, to risk it. Another part just wants to stay safe and sound and not stir things up.
And how do you know which is better for you? Pushing yourself, or waiting until things come out more naturally? I could push myself, only to find out that I can’t quite cope with the consequences of that. Or I could just wait. But I’ve been waiting for a long time already. What if there isn’t a right time?
On to something entirely different. I’ve finally started doing my voluntary work. And it feels great. I’m not going to go into detail about it in this blog, mainly because – for the sake of relative anonymity – it would give a bit too much away, but I will say this: there is something about working that I have really missed.
I can’t quite put my finger on exactly what it is, probably because it’s really a combination of things, but I really am enjoying having something to do again. To go out for a reason, to be around other people, to feel like everyone else. As opposed to what? Hm.. I’m not sure. I guess there is something about not feeling like The One With Issues. To just be one of many, to be there on equal terms.
I missed that.
I have my ups and downs. I suspect that I will continue to have those ups and downs. And that things may never be ideal.
But for the time being.. well..
they’re good enough.