There are many big thoughts in my head at the moment. And I am struggling to find a way to express them. I think those close to me will have, by now, noticed that there is something big happening in my life, in how I view myself and the world. But it feels almost impossible to talk or write about it. Somehow it all seems too big to be put into words.
I guess that at the bottom of it all is fear. I am afraid how others might react, if they will, on any level, be able to appreciate how important these things are to me. How much they matter. Even in therapy I have felt utterly unable to verbalise these thoughts and feelings. Some of the reasons for this seem quite obvious to me, others leave me questioning my own judgement. Not – of course – in terms of the things going on, those things I feel absolutely certain about, but how valid – how reality-based – my fears are. How much of this fear of rejection is really in my head, rather than something that would actually manifest itself, were I to share all these things with people?
There have been one or two people with whom I have felt able to talk at least a little about these things. But they have been people who I, in all honesty, haven’t known all that long – and although they are absolutely fantastic people, and I feel blessed and honoured to have them in my life – they have no real reference point in terms of the immense change I feel I’m undergoing. Although they may, to some extent, be able to see how these are really big things, they can’t possibly be able to gauge the enormity of the change, because they don’t know what I was like before. To them, I’m guessing, it’s a case of complete acceptance, because to them, this is how I am. They’ve not known me to be different.
I have been thinking about my family a lot lately. My parents, especially – trying to somehow guess how they might react, only to realise that I don’t really have a clue. The only thing I know is that a huge reaction would be as bad as no reaction at all. And so, in some ways, I feel I am setting myself up for a lose-lose situation.
And yet.. yet.. I have no doubts about this.. Because I know that this is an incredibly good change. In fact, to call it a change (yes, I know I’m contradicting myself here) might not be the right way to put it. What it is, is a very positive, and powerful, extension of something I have known for a long long time. An extension of my very self. The difference, the change– lies in now feeling ready to actually do it, rather than just know it.
Because it feels right.
And it’s the only way forward for me.
PS. For those of you who are desperately trying to decipher what I’m on about – it’s not to do with my sexuality. Scroll back a number of years, and you’ll see that that’s been in the open for some time! :)
Just wanted to point out that this is NOT a guessing game. And as I have not – as mentioned in my blog – yet talked this through with those closest to me, I would really appreciate it, if you took that into consideration when posting comments.
That said, thank you all for your really sweet and supportive comments!