Expectations, Failure & Second Chances

I’m back . Staying at Dev’s. In need of an in-between place, I suppose.
I’ve not done much since getting back, feeling a lot lower than I had expected; it usually takes a while before this happens.
Before the Post-Holiday Stress Disorder rears its ugly little head.

I try to watch things on iPlayer but can’t concentrate, try to read but can’t focus.

I’m feeling very disappointed in myself. Feel I should have been able to do more with my time at home. Feel I ought to have been braver, ought to have got further on my journey.

I’m trying to not be too hard on myself, but it’s hard. After all, taking things out on myself is what I do best. I’ve not yet turned to self-harm, but I feel I’m fighting a loosing battle on that front. Like it’s a question of when rather than if. Oh, maybe that’s not true. I might be able to resist. But, it doesn’t feel good being me right now.

I could have predicted this outcome before I went. In fact A. and I talked about it in the final session before the break: how I keep choosing to not have that very difficult conversation with my family, how – in the immediate moment – it feels like the easier option, but almost without fail means I’ll ultimately turn it back on myself, this sense of failure..

I’ve been here before. I recognise that there is a pattern to my choices and the way I deal with them. Yet I can’t seem to make a different choice. Time and time again I let myself down.

I am trying to help myself, I am. I don’t want to take three steps back in order to move at all. I really don’t. But it’s hard.

Suffered from a lot of flashbacks when I was at home. Especially at night, meaning I didn’t manage to get much sleep. And I guess that ate into my ability to face things head on. I’m not talking about wanting to cause trouble for my family, I’m not interested in playing the blame game – all I wanted to do was to find a way to talk openly and honestly about all those things we as a family – myself included – have avoided talking about. Have refused to acknowledge.

I had hoped that this time I’d be able to be able to do it. To open up a dialogue with my family. Nothing too big, just a tiny little line of communication.

But I couldn’t. And here I am now, feeling pretty crap about myself.

Oh well, life goes on.
At some point or other I’ll get another chance to do what I couldn’t this time.
Life lessons are repeated until they are learned and we always get a second chance to get it right.

And one of these days I will.
Get it right.

xx

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4 responses

  1. Oh gosh girl, this is HARD stuff you are expecting of yourself. I’m not sure why it is that you feel you ought to, but I think you deserve a break from feeling crap about it because it is a HUGE thing to attempt to do – very risky at the least.

    Sending lots of empathy and hugs and gentleness your way,

    xx

  2. Det är ju svårt om din familj inte möter dig på halva vägen.// Kram (It’s difficult if your family does not want to meet you halfway.)

  3. Hey there R. Thanks for the comment. I think it’s just the way I am – I have high expectations of myself. But also, it was something I had really been working towards. Not to change the way my family and I communicate in one go, but to at least open up a small window to allow us to see one another better for who we are.
    Anyway, once again, thanks for the comment. (Oh and now that I’m back in a place with WiFi I shall have the time to catch up on your blog too. I really like it!)

  4. Hej Ninisen! Vad kul att se en kommentar från dig! Ber om ursäkt för att jag inte hann ta kontakt med dig igen innan jag åkte – fick helt enkelt slut tid. (Du o Y var de enda två jag hann träffa den här gången..).

    Tycker att jag misslyckades helt med att påbörja någonsomhelst kommunikation med min familj – så det var kanske inte alldeles lätt för dem att kunna möta mig halvvägs: visade ju liksom inte att det fanns en väg att mötas på.. Men, som sagt, jag lär få fler chanser. Ha det så jättebra. Massa kramar till dig!!

    – Nope, I have no intention whatsoever of translating what I just wrote to English. Might be fun to Google translate, though.. :)

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