Once again I find myself packing my stuff up; I’m moving on Sunday. All of about thirty metres down the street. So, in many ways, a minor move. I’m moving into a larger room in what, at least on the surface, looks like a nicer flatshare. Hard to know for sure until you’re actually there. I’m looking forward to moving out of this place. It has, without comparison, been the worst place I have ever lived. And I’ve lived in a lot of places, including spending a night on the streets of London, not knowing where to go next..
So, from that point of view, moving is a good thing. And at the same time, I can’t help but thinking that this is not how I had imagined myself living at age 35. My picture looked more along the lines of a nice flat with my man and my three children. I’d be focusing on my writing, maybe having already had a break or two, literary wise.
Instead, here I am, in a rented room. Utterly single, painfully childless, and my writing.. well, I really don’t know what happened there. So, of course there is sadness in the realisation that there is such a discrepancy between what I had been hoping for and what I’ve got. And of course it hurts to not have those things, to know that I was pretty close to all of those things only a few short years ago.
This is not to say I’ve given up on that dream, that picture. I believe it could still happen. Maybe not in the order I had initially imagined, but still recognisable as an altered version of the original image.
I don’t regret the choices I’ve made in the last few years. I think had Dev and I chosen to stay together, knowing that we ultimately wanted different things, well, I don’t think we would still be friends the way we are now. I think bitterness may have started to sprout between us. And I would never want that to happen.
Moving into the therapeutic community a few years ago was a big decision and although I’m not sure it was ever really going to be quite right for me, I do feel that I got something from being there, even though I struggle to put it into words, exactly what. Maybe space to grow? Maybe to appreciate how strong my need for independence is? Maybe realising that I can be accepted for me, even without being the good girl, without having the great job, without being the most responsible one? Even the decision to move out, I believe, was a step in the direction of feeling allowed to say “This is not good enough for me, this is not acceptable to me”.
Going into therapy? Well, that’s probably one of the best things I’ve ever done. Yes, I know – I’ve been in therapy before. Some good, some not so good. But this time around is the first time I’ve felt on a very deep level that it’s time to go that extra step, dig a bit deeper, to not run when things get scary, but to stick with it. That, painful and terrifying as it can be, I want to keep at it, want to look at those bits I am most ashamed of, the ones that are the hardest to own, to accept as my own.
So, although I’m not where I thought I’d be, I think it’s been time well spent, hours well invested. And, as I said earlier, those things that I dreamed of; that I still wish for – they could still happen.
I leave you with a few lines from a Dawson’s Creek era song:
“..I’ve got the greatest admiration
for the way that you got through it
couldn’t ask nobody else to do it
better than you do it
– that’s the toughest thing to do..”
Lyrics from Stay You © Wood
Hello. I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and I really like it. I mean not as is everything on here is pleasant reading, obviously. But the way you write and express how you feel really speaks to me. you’ve got a very strong narrative voice in amongst your words. I hope the move has gone well. Very stressful I know because I mioved myself recently. I hope you settle in soon. you deserve a bit of quiet and calm and space to just enjoy things. Looking forward to your next update though. And congratulations on the nomination for the TWIM Awards! I’m definitely going to vote for you.
I don’t know what happened to my comment. I think it disappeared. But I just wanted to say that I really like your blog and congratulations on the TWIM Awards nomination. I’ll be voting for you. And hope the move went well.
Thank you for both of your comments. I’m glad you like my blog. The move went well in the end, but oh-so-stressful until it was all over. I’ll probably write about it soon. As for the TWIM awards – I’m really honoured to have been nominated. I have to admit that I didn’t know about it until suddenly the number of visitors to my blog doubled overnight and I took a look at the stats to see where all the traffic was coming from. It’s really sweet of you to want to vote for me. I really appreciate it. Here’s the link to vote (you vote in the comments section): http://bit.ly/sZfpsS
Once again, thank you so much for the comment.
Look after yourself,