I feel like crap. Physically, I mean. This is the first time since Friday afternoon I’ve been sitting upright.

I’ve got a pneumonia. Yes, that is grammatically correct; a pneumonia. It’s basically the name used for any infection in the chest, which is concentrated in a specific part of the lung. At least that’s what my GP told me. And it’s no fun to have one.

Went to my GP on Thursday, having had a quite bad pain in my chest since Monday, in combination with a cough, a headache and, later on, a temperature. Told my GP that I didn’t really think it was anything to bother about, that it was most likely down to stress. She listened to my chest and said: “Doesn’t sound like stress, sounds like a pneumonia” and wrote me a prescription for some funky little tablets to take.

I’m fairly confident that this thing is reasonably mild, but it’s still sore as anything, and I feel physically exhausted. Antibiotics are starting to kick in, so I’m beginning to feel better, though, which is a good sign.

Been sleeping almost non-stop since I took to bed on Friday. Well, I say non-stop. That’s not entirely true. One of my housemates has decided to start using the room above mine as her own personal sitting room, and she’s incredibly heavy-footed, so every time she moves around in there I wake up. Not great.


You know what? I don’t think I’m really up for this. I think I’m going to go lie down again.

Be good to yourselves,


Early morning fantasy; if I could turn back time

Feel like I’m coming undone.

All this stuff that the last several sessions have brought up.. it’s hitting pretty hard, and where it hurts the most. It’s such a big thing, and it kind of challenges everything I thought I knew. I feel lost and dizzy, and – as I said in session yesterday – I wish I could just rewind the tape to that moment last Tuesday after A.’s comment and say “You’re right, I don’t talk about being given up for adoption, and I don’t think about what that really means.. but let’s keep it that way. I’m not ready to go there yet.”

I wish I could just close the door on all these thoughts and walk away. Not forever. But for now. I really don’t feel I can handle this right now. It’s making me question even the things that are most precious to me, the relationships that mean the most to me.. and it scares me like nothing else ever has. I feel like I could mess this up and lose everything.

No, I’m not really desperately down as I have been at other times. Somehow this is bigger than just a state of being – because it’s about being at all. Existential level. Something so huge I can’t even begin to explain it.

So.. erhm.. bleurgh!