Rebooting Is Hard To Do

So, as you may have noticed, there has been a gap in my blogging. A big one. I mean, I’ve written tons of blog posts in my head, but actually putting pen to paper – or finger to tablet, as it were, – not so much. I just couldn’t seem to get around to it. Everything felt too.. uphill.

I have been wanting to get a laptop for a long long time, in part to make blogging that little bit easier, or at least to remove some of the obstacles that made writing that little bit harder to do. But, money isn’t exactly on tap in my house, and this was a pretty darn big investment for me. So, I went back and forth for nearer to a year on which laptop to actually get. You know the dance; get the current 12” FruitBook, maybe a refurbished one, or wait for the next FruitBook Pro, suffering severe FOMO in case there was a massive spec bump, or – crazy thought – step outside of the FruitLoop altogether and save some dosh by getting something just as functional, less pricey, but also far less sexy, even though I knew what my heart truly desired? And, seriously, should I even be spending that money? What if? What if? What if? And then, late-ish last year, I was given a handwritten card from all of my Most Special People and it said: ‘It’s your birthday and we love you. We are so blessed to have you in our lives. You are Special to us, so we want you to have something Special. Stop fretting. Stop thinking. Get the new Fruity one that you know you really want!

So I did. I got Mumin. [Or Moomin, if you want to be international about her.] She’s the loveliest laptop in the world, and she has the power to remind me that I am Special and that I am Loved. Every single day.

 

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Meet Mumin                                                – the Loveliest Laptop in the World!

This wonderful gift should by rights have lead to an instant reboot of my blog. After all, that was a big reason for wanting a tappety-tap laptop in the first place. But, somehow, it just didn’t. Somehow, despite this amazing gift which reminds me that I am truly loved every time I start her up, I was still me. I was still as caught up in the throes of my everyday struggles as I had ever been, and I still couldn’t find a calm enough space inside to to sit down and write about my life. To share what was going on with you all. I absolutely wanted to. But I just couldn’t. The energy simply wasn’t there; or rather, what little there was needed to be reserved for breathing in and out all day long. And the blog laid barren and desolate, void of new content.

Then, in the last two and a bit weeks I received – I kid you not – fifty-three emails from various people around the world, people who I have never met in person, but who have in one way or another come across my blog and have been wanting to know not only where the heck I’ve disappeared to, or why the self-same heck I’ve not been updating my blog, but, have expressed a genuine and heartfelt concern about my well-being, wanting to know if I am OK, letting me know that I have been on their minds. On top of this, these people have sent tons of positive energy my way. And you all, each and every one of you, have my eternal gratitude, because those emails (and blog comments!) have really meant a lot to me. I may not have been able to reply to all of you – in fact, I know I haven’t – but just knowing that people who have never even met me, who don’t even know my name, have been wondering how I am, have been thinking of me, well, it’s kind of an amazing thing. It restores my faith in humanity. And I feel so very grateful to you. And it is time to repay you by getting back to blogging.

I know that this particular post hasn’t exactly been laden with emotion or posed any serious philosophical or life altering questions – it is certainly a far cry to my usual offerings – but; it is a start. I do have a lot of ideas of what to write about, some stemming from things people have written to me about, and I hope that I will be able to return soon with another post.

In the meantime; do be kind to your Selfs.

All my love and gratitude,

xx

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Freestyling R D Laing – A Poem In Knots (But Not So Much In Knots As R D Laing’s Knots)

He likes my blog
Therefore I like him
She doesn’t like my blog
Therefore I don’t like her

Because he likes my blog
He must be interested in me
Because she doesn’t like my blog
She must not be interested in me

He is upset with her
because she is not interested in me
because she doesn’t like my blog
when he likes my blog

She is upset with him
because he is interested in me
because he likes my blog
when she doesn’t like my blog

I love him
Because he is interested in me
Because he likes my blog

I hate her
Because she isn’t interested in me
Because she doesn’t like my blog

She hates me for loving him
because he is interested in me
because he likes my blog

He hates her for hating me
for loving him
because he is interested in me
because he likes my blog

In anger
she goes away
to write
a freestyle poem
based on
Ecrits
Even though
neither he
nor she
is interested in
nor
remotely understand
Lacan.

xx

Uncertainty – An Entry About Dealing With The Unknown

I often don’t know what I’ll be writing about when I sit down to blog. Today is one of those times. It’s more a case of finding myself overwhelmed by a need to write; that there are a lot of feelings swimming around inside of me, and somehow they need to be expressed or at least explored. It helps me figure out what’s really going on in my mind.

This morning I spent about forty-five minutes trying to find a suitable psychotherapist to help me do this in a more controlled environment, since sometimes when I write I take things a step further than I was actually ready for. So, deciding on a therapist is a pretty important thing. Especially since the person needs to be someone who can read you well enough – gauge where you’re at – to be able to help you decide what you are and aren’t ready for.

The thing is though, that although there are absolutely tons of psychotherapists about, well – until you actually meet them you can’t possibly know that they are the right one, can you? Sure, I have a wish list of sorts at the back of my head (has to be female, have a certain amount of life experience, preferably be interested in a psychodynamic approach, and so on), but, as I said, until you’ve met a person, how can you know?

So, that’s something that’s definitely weighing on my mind. The fact that I haven’t yet sorted out a therapist, even though I know that the last session of counselling with D. is drawing rapidly nearer.

And of course, that in itself, the ending of counselling, well, it’s a pretty big thing. I really don’t like endings. I accept that they have to happen sometimes, but I really don’t like them. (On the other hand, I can’t say that I know of anyone who does like them). For me an ending is like, I don’t know – it’s just enormously frightening. Particularly when it is the ending of something which I have experienced as being very positive. It gives me a feeling of being abandoned. Or maybe abandoned isn’t the right word. But something similar to it. And it makes me feel incredibly alone and vulnerable. Especially when I don’t know what’s round the next bend.

I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. That one of the things I’ve really been struggling a lot with in life is the fact that there are so many loose ends. So much uncertainty. Both in my present situation and in my past. And I think what I want to get out of therapy is some sort of closure. Not in a done and dustedsort of way – I don’t believe that’s possible, since life is a journey and as a person I am constantly changing, constantly evolving. A better way to put it is perhaps that I would like to have a bit more order in amongst the loose ends. And I think psychotherapy could help me with that.

I think I’ve made a pretty good start in this round of counselling. I feel a lot more aware of how things hang together, how they all interrelate. At least on a surface level. I guess, with psychotherapy, I hope to get a deeper understanding of it. How the finer (or often not so fine) details have lead me down a certain path, has steered me into a certain way of behaving, of dealing with things.

Apart from that, what else is going on? Well, Christmas is getting closer by the second. And Christmas means going home.. My mother now knows that I will be in my hometown over this period; she was told earlier in the week. What I don’t know is what her reaction to that was, but, me being me, well – I do worry. I worry that it was really hard for her, I worry that I’ve really made her upset this time. And also – yes – I worry that my decision hasn’t had much of an impact at all. Because that would probably be the response that would mean the most..

Still, I am going home. It was my own decision. And I think that, as challenging as it will be, it is the right one. I think I need to reclaim my turf a bit. I also think that I am a lot better equipped to do so now, compared to earlier in the year.

I just hope I won’t forget it once I’m there.

xx

Reflections – An Entry About Buying More Time When It’s Needed

I am aware that it’s been a while since I last updated my blog, but there is good reason for it. I’m not merely neglecting my blog writing duties for the fun of it; the last few weeks have been somewhat overwhelming, and thus I’ve needed some time to myself to think things through.

Normally I write my blog and it helps me understand things. This time I really needed to understand things before writing about them in my blog. Hence, the delay in serving you the portion of S-related news I know you have all been so eagerly awaiting.

I don’t quite know where to start, so I’ll start where my mind is at in this very moment; Christmas. I’ve decided to go home for Christmas. I know it doesn’t sound like much of a decision to make, but for me it is. It’s been a huge decision. As you may be aware I haven’t been in touch with my family since April, so, a trip to the small town that is home is pretty big for me. I haven’t told anyone in my family about this yet; I’ll be staying with my bonus family – my More-Than-Family, and haven’t even decided whether or not I will tell my own family that I’ll be around. I think, going home and all that that may entail will be my focus for the remainder of my counselling sessions with D.

That’s something else I’m dealing with; my beloved fifty-minute hours with D. coming to an end. I obviously always knew that the counselling sessions would have to end at some point – in fact – they’ve already expanded far further than anyone could have anticipated when I first began counselling. (I think I’ve been seeing D. for something like five times longer than what the original deal was.)

December 19th is to be the last session. And I’m dreading it already. It doesn’t matter that I am well aware that the cessation of counselling is as much part of the process as actually undergoing it – it still freaks me out. Not only the uncertainty surrounding what help and support I will have in place when that day comes, but the actual saying goodbye to D. (Even as I am writing this I can feel my brain and my emotions completely separating; the brain calmly stating “It is normal to feel this way, everyone does” and my heart going “I don’t care if everyone goes through it, no one has everstruggled more with this issue than I am right now, no one has ever felt such pain.”) So, that’s another big thing going on in the little person that is me.

What else? Well, Dev and I have decided that although we’ve had five incredibly good years together, the time has come for us to move on. Separately. It’s been in the pipeline for some time, especially since we – even before my depression reared its ugly head – had the Baby Issue laying between us (the Baby Issue being that I want nothing more than to have a child; it’s all I’ve ever wanted, what has always kept me going, what gives meaning to my life – and he not having the remotest desire to ever become a parent.). But, I guess the reason why we’ve decided to split now, rather than earlier, is that we’re no longer getting what we want from one another. And we’re not able to offer what the other needs. We’re not arguing, we’re not at each other’s throats (save last night when I – having not slept for God knows how long – threw a fit after dropping a plate of grilled cheese sandwiches face down on the table, and in sheer frustration blasted a “No, it’s not bloody ok!” at Dev, who foolishly had tried to be understanding and calming..). It’s just one of those things that happen.

To say that we’ve had a rough year would be a serious breach of the generally accepted definition of the term ‘rough’. Between my two suicide attempts, Dev’s mother passing away and my not being in touch with my family things just got too much, and it’s not healthy for us to stay together. There is absolutely no blame placed between the two of us. It just got too much. It’s sad, and it will be painful as hell to get used to, but it is nonetheless inevitable. The “I want from you / I wish I could but I can’t”-cycle can so easily turn into a severely destructive “I demand / You refuse”-pattern. And, if possible, we’d rather like to avoid that.

Unfortunately it puts us in a very tricky situation from a practical point of view. As I haven’t been working for more than about seven weeks since the beginning of December last year I have no savings to fall back on. At all. Also, I have, since my last blog entry had to leave my job. And even putting that aside, it would be completely and utterly void of any form of realism to assume that I will be able to go back to full time employment any time soon. It’s not for lack of trying – because I did, and it’s certainly not from lack of want – but the reality is that where I’m at now I can already barely get myself through the day – and any added pressure is likely to be detrimental to me.

So, the ideal scenario that Dev and I had naïvely thought out was that he’d be staying in the flat, (since he’s the one with an income), changing the contract from a joint tenancy when it comes up for renewal at the end of the month, and me being given help with re-locating, based on the fact that we are no longer together, and so I should qualify for income support, housing and council tax benefits etc.

But, as always seems to be the case, things just don’t run that smoothly in S-land.. Not even when it comes to something like declaring yourself as at risk of becoming homeless.

Enter the phenomena of legal Catch-22. Since it’s a bit of a jungle of rules (none of which seems to help anyone, I might add) I’ll break it down for you:

– The council doesn’t feel that I fit the criteria as a being at risk of becoming homeless, as I – from a legal point of view – have an interest in the property where I am currently staying. They are therefore unable to help me.

– I can’t simply move out or allow Dev to take over the contract without fight, since that would mean that I have relinquished my right to the property, and I have thus made myself intentionally homeless. Again meaning that the council has no legal obligation to help me.

– Finally, I can’t sign the tenancy agreement on my own, since doing so knowing that I can’t afford the rent will lead the landlord to evict me – and again – I will have made myself intentionally homeless, and the council gets away with not offering me any kind of help.

So what are my options? Well, according to the council; to remain in the 1 bedroom flat that is also occupied by my former partner until such a time as I am able to secure alternative accommodation on my own.

Seems crazy? I’d say so. But who am I to argue? I am, after all, suffering from a mental illness and my view carries little or no weight. And the fact that I have been paying taxes all my life in order to help people in my situation, well – forget it.. Apparently the fact that you have done your bit doesn’t mean that you have a right to help when you need it.

I have been in touch with Shelter, a charity helping people who either are or are at risk of becoming homeless. They have decided that they will try to help me, but unfortunately, no matter how you turn things around, I do have a legal right to remain in my current accommodation. So, we’ve had to come up with a different argument in order for me to get the help I so desperately need. The argument is that it is not reasonable for me to occupy the property on the grounds that doing so would have a detrimental effect on my mental health condition. In other words; staying in an environment which has previously been highly supportive but no longer is, is very likely to make me more depressed, and is therefore equal to putting me at risk. As such I would be considered an adult at risk, and the council would have to house me.

As I’m sure you can understand, this is, no matter how true, a horrendous thing to have to do, knowing that there is no way I would still be alive, had it not been for Dev sticking by me up until now.. Although reality is that it isn’t healthy for me to stay where I am, it just seems such a harsh thing having to argue this point against someone who genuinely has given his all to help for as long as he has been able to.

There are a few other really big things going on in my life right now, but, again, I need to allow myself some more Thinking-It-Through-time before sharing this with you.

Although the basis for this blog is to be as honest as I can about what is happening in my life – I think that it is of equal importance to sometimes reflect before sharing. I’d rather wait and be able to write nakedly and honestly about it later on, than to tell half the story now, leaving too much to the imagination, too much to chance..

SO, once again, thank you for your patience

All the very best and more,

xx

Welcome To My New Home On The Web

I woke up this morning with a very specific thought in my head; that it’s time for me to get back to blogging. Needless to say this was NOT based on the fact that my life is immensely interesting, nor that I have lots of valuable things I feel compelled to share with the world outside my head, but because I have been blessed with the ability to write endlessly about absolutely nothing.

Said and done! Still wearing the blue chequered pyjama shorts I’ve nicked off my partner and my Silverchair tee I headed for the computer. (I say headed, but in reality it was a mere foot or so from my original position on the sofa).

Now, as some of you will already be aware I used to blog using MySpace, but, to be honest so much has happened in my life since my last blog post there that I felt a fresh start was in order. And so, minutes later my new home on the web had been registered. Perhaps not the most commercially powerful domain name, but I reckon that at least one or two of you will be able to successfully store the web address in your memory.

As we speak I am still waiting to get the details for my account so that I can actually upload this unimaginably important piece of news. However, not one to waste valuable time (well, at least not today) I naturally decided to start working on today’s blog right away; the result of which you are now reading.

So, what’s new?
Well, lots, actually. Tons.

So that’s what I will use this blog for – a place to update you guys on what’s happening with me. As you know my life has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster lately and since I’ve not been exactly great at keeping in touch with you I reckon this could be a good way to make sure you all know that I’m still roaming the surface of this earth; it’s been a bit of a rough ride, but hopefully it’ll prove to be worth staying on it in the end.

Seeing as this is my first blog in a long time I think I’ll keep this virgin entry [no pun intended] in a more low key tone and stick to less personal and more general news:

The very newest of news in my life is that Dev got us a VoIP/landline combination phone yesterday. Very funky, especially since it means that now you people can give me a ring on Skype pretty much whenever you feel like it and it’ll ring on our normal phone. No more texting back and forth agreeing on times to come online, just logon to your Skype account and give us a bell.

I’ve already tested this phone with a few people and all I can say is that it’s bleeding brilliant! From now on I’ll be able to talk to you from absolutely anywhere in our enormous flat, even the bathroom! Fancy that! Does it get any better than that!? YES, it flippin’ DOES! I can even take my Skype phone outside and sit on the tiny little patch of grass outside the flat! (Although, being that I live in the UK that’s fairly unlikely to happen, owing to the frequent rain and yobs littering the area).

Anyway, that’s it for now, as far as updates are concerned. Just allowing you to ease back into my life before hitting you with the hardcore stuff.

All the very best and more,

xx