Rebooting Is Hard To Do

So, as you may have noticed, there has been a gap in my blogging. A big one. I mean, I’ve written tons of blog posts in my head, but actually putting pen to paper – or finger to tablet, as it were, – not so much. I just couldn’t seem to get around to it. Everything felt too.. uphill.

I have been wanting to get a laptop for a long long time, in part to make blogging that little bit easier, or at least to remove some of the obstacles that made writing that little bit harder to do. But, money isn’t exactly on tap in my house, and this was a pretty darn big investment for me. So, I went back and forth for nearer to a year on which laptop to actually get. You know the dance; get the current 12” FruitBook, maybe a refurbished one, or wait for the next FruitBook Pro, suffering severe FOMO in case there was a massive spec bump, or – crazy thought – step outside of the FruitLoop altogether and save some dosh by getting something just as functional, less pricey, but also far less sexy, even though I knew what my heart truly desired? And, seriously, should I even be spending that money? What if? What if? What if? And then, late-ish last year, I was given a handwritten card from all of my Most Special People and it said: ‘It’s your birthday and we love you. We are so blessed to have you in our lives. You are Special to us, so we want you to have something Special. Stop fretting. Stop thinking. Get the new Fruity one that you know you really want!

So I did. I got Mumin. [Or Moomin, if you want to be international about her.] She’s the loveliest laptop in the world, and she has the power to remind me that I am Special and that I am Loved. Every single day.

 

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Meet Mumin                                                – the Loveliest Laptop in the World!

This wonderful gift should by rights have lead to an instant reboot of my blog. After all, that was a big reason for wanting a tappety-tap laptop in the first place. But, somehow, it just didn’t. Somehow, despite this amazing gift which reminds me that I am truly loved every time I start her up, I was still me. I was still as caught up in the throes of my everyday struggles as I had ever been, and I still couldn’t find a calm enough space inside to to sit down and write about my life. To share what was going on with you all. I absolutely wanted to. But I just couldn’t. The energy simply wasn’t there; or rather, what little there was needed to be reserved for breathing in and out all day long. And the blog laid barren and desolate, void of new content.

Then, in the last two and a bit weeks I received – I kid you not – fifty-three emails from various people around the world, people who I have never met in person, but who have in one way or another come across my blog and have been wanting to know not only where the heck I’ve disappeared to, or why the self-same heck I’ve not been updating my blog, but, have expressed a genuine and heartfelt concern about my well-being, wanting to know if I am OK, letting me know that I have been on their minds. On top of this, these people have sent tons of positive energy my way. And you all, each and every one of you, have my eternal gratitude, because those emails (and blog comments!) have really meant a lot to me. I may not have been able to reply to all of you – in fact, I know I haven’t – but just knowing that people who have never even met me, who don’t even know my name, have been wondering how I am, have been thinking of me, well, it’s kind of an amazing thing. It restores my faith in humanity. And I feel so very grateful to you. And it is time to repay you by getting back to blogging.

I know that this particular post hasn’t exactly been laden with emotion or posed any serious philosophical or life altering questions – it is certainly a far cry to my usual offerings – but; it is a start. I do have a lot of ideas of what to write about, some stemming from things people have written to me about, and I hope that I will be able to return soon with another post.

In the meantime; do be kind to your Selfs.

All my love and gratitude,

xx

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At The End Of A Difficult Year

The new year is almost here. Time to reflect, I suppose. [As if not all posts are reflections, really..]

This has not been an easy year. In fact, it may actually have been one of the hardest thus far, so I hope the new year will bring a bit of happy change. One of the things that I have been really struggling with this year, and which very nearly pushed me over the edge, is something I haven’t really shared on here. I am hoping that as time goes on, this too, will become something I feel comfortable sharing here. I mean, considering the things I do share, there really shouldn’t be much of a problem, but for whatever reason, I’ve just not quite found it in me to write openly about it so far. Too painful, somehow, seeing it in black on white..

I remember myself at this time last year, on the verge of a minor break in therapy, which I knew would soon be followed by a seriously major break; my therapist’s maternity leave, and I can still feel that horribly cold, hard lump at the bottom of my stomach, which would turn every time I thought about it. The horrendous abandonment issues I was battling with and the separation anxiety I was trying to keep under control. I remember desperately trying to come up with ways to convince myself that I would indeed be able to survive this break, and although I can’t say I truly found any one method that worked wholeheartedly for me, I did make it through. Was brought to my knees a number of times, for sure, but somehow I managed to get back up again.

I think the thing that helped me the most was doing what I have always done when things get tough: writing. Writing this blog, or even just thinking about what I might want to write on it, should I find the words and the energy, helped a lot. And more than that, your lovely emails and comments.. well, I couldn’t even begin to explain how much they have meant to me. To have someone who has never even met me, reach out and show that they care. That’s really something.

Then there’s that other kind of writing. The writing I do when I need to completely escape; working on my book. That’s been useful, too. To allow myself to go to another place, to think about someone else’s problems, to focus on someone else’s daily comings and goings, trying to paint it in words. Still, as I said to A. in my most recent therapy session, although in the moment it feels very much like escapism, when I read back later on – even years later – I can often see that I was working something of myself out through the characters I create, only it happens in a way that is somehow more free, less constrained by the emotional red tape I may put on myself.

And, in the midst of really struggling with near constant flashbacks, I finally found something that helps me with them; my beloved Rubik’s cube. Yes, I’ve turned into even more of a geek than I was at the beginning of the year, but, hey – if it works, it works. I’d much rather look like an absolute 80s retro nerd on the tube, than not being able to go out at all. Now, of course, solving a puzzle like this, no matter how many times you do it, it doesn’t solve the puzzle of your Self, but – honestly – it really has made a difference to my life this year. It may not get to the root of the flashbacks, but it does help me get through them, and sometimes that’s all you can ask of yourself; to get through.

And, of course, faith has got me through, too. Even when it’s felt impossible to look ahead, there is this space inside where I can go to, where I can be still, and just breathe, and know that whatever happens, there is someone who is looking out for me.. And it helps. I can’t explain it, it just does.

Sitting here, thinking back, I am – as always – struck by how lucky I am to have the friends that I have. Not to mention my absolutely amazing sisters, who I could not manage without even for a single day. To be surrounded by people who are there for me, to whatever extent I feel able to let them be. People who won’t give up on me, even when I myself have. That is a true blessing.

So, as hard as this year has been, there are also many, many things for which I am grateful.

Thanks for staying with me this year.
Hope to see you in 2013.

xx

Once again, a favourite quote at the end of the year..

“..and it’s been a long December
And there’s reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can’t remember all the times I tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass..”

A Long December lyrics © EMI Music Publishing

PS. If the world does indeed come to an end tomorrow, could someone please let me know, as we’re an hour behind most of Europe here..

Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow – Looking Back Is Looking Forward

Having one of them days again. You know. The kind when you struggle to get out of bed, despite the sun shining outside of your window – or possibly because the sun is shining outside the window. I dunno. Or, actually, I do know. I just think my reason for getting like this is a bit lame..

It’s his birthday today. Consequently the day I least want to celebrate or even remember. Only I do. Remember it, I mean. Not celebrate. It seems impossible for me to just forget it. Every year it reminds me of his existence, the effect he’s had on my life and even, for better or worse, the person that I am.

On the more positive side it’s my sister’s birthday on Tuesday. Something I do want to celebrate. For all the difficulties in my life, I am blessed to have the two best sisters the universe has ever seen. They do get me through an awful lot of things, just by being who they are, and by allowing me to share in their lives. And for that I am eternally grateful.

Tomorrow is two years to the day since I was first admitted to the women’s crisis centre. I think back and realise how much my life has changed since then. It’s almost unrecognisable. Back then I was one of those people who poured all of me, all my energy, into my job and I was struggling with the idea that I wasn’t able to work. In all honesty, I still struggle with that, because, I like working, I like feeling like I’m of some use to the world around me. But, I can also see that I needed that time off. That it’s been useful and necessary. Had I not taken that time, I doubt it I would still be here now.

As I’ve mentioned before I do some unpaid work these days. Not much, but enough to feel like it makes a difference. And recently I’ve actually upped the hours, which I think is a step in the right direction. I may not feel quite ready to go back to full-time paid employment, but I do enjoy having a sense of purpose in what little work I do do. Also, I am toying with the idea of studying. More than toying, really – but we’ll see if anything comes of it.

I have three long-term goals that I’m working towards. Life-time goals, more accurately, and I feel pretty sure that I will find a way to make them happen. I just don’t know how soon or in what order.

Either way, it doesn’t really matter. The point is that I have those goals. I think it’s important to have goals, a sense of journey, of going somewhere. Sure enough, life throws you curve-balls, and sometimes you simply can’t catch them; you have to settle for dodging them. But all the same, having a goal does help with all that.

I was at synagogue yesterday morning, and I was sitting – as I always do – with a person who is a long-standing member of the congregation. And I was thinking to myself: How blessed am I?

Two years ago I was at a place where I saw no meaning at all in sticking around. I just wanted to pack up, close the shop,catch the bus. And yet, here I was, two years later, in a place I’d never thought I’d find myself, with people I would never have met, feeling completely and utterly filled with gratitude. Thinking that I wouldn’t want to miss this for anything.

And this is what I try to keep in mind today, struggling as I am with difficult thoughts and feelings – that, if I don’t find a way to make it through today, that means I won’t be here tomorrow.

And if I’m not here tomorrow, who’s to say I won’t be missing out on a day like yesterday?

xx

Heather Nova’s live version of Gloomy Sunday