In Treatment, Richard Long & Fear of Real Emotion

It’s reasonably early morning. And once again anxiety has me up and about. Well, about is a bit of a stretch, but up, at the very least.

Been spending a lot of time writing in my journal this past week. It seems the best way to control this rising anxiety, this fear of all the emotions that are bouncing around inside of me. That and distracting.

I know I wrote in a post not long ago about trying to stay with the emotions, to allow them to break through my defences. And I was. But now, suddenly, it feels too much. So I distract. But, since a big part of me wants to feel, I do it through watching In Treatment, this American version of an Israeli show which rarely fails to get me to respond emotionally. It follows a therapist and his clients through the weeks, and also the therapist’s own therapy/supervision/marriage counselling sessions. The last part is, well, a bit unclear, really. As the therapist/supervisor/friend/colleague Gina frequently says:“Some lines have been blurred”. Understatement of the century! Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked.

Those who know me and my family background will probably understand why this show really gets to me, why it’s the show of choice for conjuring up a controlled emotional response. Anyway, maybe the reason for my choosing this particular show over other shows is of lesser importance than the fact that I choose to watch a show at all. Instead of allowing my real feelings room to roam I distract, so that I can – not switch off entirely – but can experience emotions once removed, if that makes sense. It reminds me of going to see the Richard Long exhibition at the Tate last year. How I felt that looking at photographs – beautiful as they were – were still merely watered down versions of these amazing works of arts, which he had created on a large scale in nature. In that particular case, it felt like it was lacking in flavour, left me wanting something stronger – but in the case of In Treatment, well, I think it provides me with just about the amount of emotion I can handle right now.

That said, I do hope – and also believe – that sometime soon, I’ll feel able to return to experiencing the real feelings in the moment, rather than half-way-but-not-quite retreating to something which feels safer.

I stand firm in the belief that true emotion is what brings about change. But, for now – maybe this way of feeling is an adequate apéritif? A taster of what is to come.

Enjoy your day.

xx

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As I Wait For The Polish To Dry – An Entry About Keeping Busy

I’m really too tired to be writing this, but as I’ve only just done my nails and am waiting for the same to dry.. well.. I might as well.

Been on the go virtually all day today, but it feels kind of good. I mean, wouldn’t want it to be that way all the time, but sometimes it’s nice to be busy. Gives me something of a buzz. I spend a lot of time on my own, and as a general I enjoy that. I write, read, think and – veeeeeery occasionally – I study.
But, as much as I like doing those things, it’s nice to break it up with a properly busy day every once in a while.

Been a while since I’ve been working now, and I do kind of miss it. I miss going to work, I miss having workmates – darnit – I miss afterwork drinks on a Friday (or Tuesday..or Thursday..), sharing a bottle or three of el cheapo house wine, getting down to pseudo-deep semi-intoxicated wouldn’t-tell-you-when-sober talk. You know what I mean.

Most of my friends are either ex-workmates or people I’ve met during my stints at the women’s crisis centre. And I really value them all. (Why wouldn’t I – they are the best of the bunch. Sincerely!) My friends have helped me through some very difficult times, and even though I am crap at reaching out for help when I really need it they are incredibly apt at reading me, and will offer their helping hands without me having to ask.

My ‘crisis-centre’ friends, are – obviously – somewhat newer friends, but just as important to me as any of my friends from way back in the day. There’s something very special about a friend you’ve made when you were at your lowest. It means that there is very little left that needs explaining. And that can be incredibly comforting. Even when I am (as I am right now) in a good place, it’s nice not to have to worry too much about having a down day. My friends get that.

Going back to my busy day.. As I was saying I really did enjoy it. There’s a part of me that is really longing to get back into the swing of things again. I’ve had a rough Life Plan for the better part of my adult life, but hitting that brick wall last year, I knew I needed to stop for a bit. Take a step back. Re-assess. Allow myself time to find a way to negotiate my way past this obstacle.

I’ve made a lot of changes to my life since last spring. Many of which I am still working on, and will be working on for a long time. Like being in therapy, trying to get a view of what my patterns are, what traps I fall into, and, feeling ok with being the way I am. All of those things, they take time, and energy. But despite that I still feel there is more left in me. My focus is absolutely still to carry on working on the ME-issues. But, at the same time I feel that I need more.

So at the moment I’m looking into the possibility of doing some volunteering. I don’t want to repeat my mistake of last year – taking on a full-time job and going at it 110% – only to find that I’m not quite ready. Instead I’m hoping to be able to do maybe a day, or even just a few hours a week, of volunteering. Test the waters, so to speak. Start out slowly to get a better feel for where I’m at, workwise.

Anyway, nailpolish all but dry now.
Time for coconut snowballs. Oh yesssss!

Sunflowers and comfy shoes,

xx

Added random question:

Am I the only person who is suffering from In Treatment-withdrawal?

Seriously – how good is Dianne Wiest in that show? I can’t get over it. The woman is the very definition of divine! As much as the repeated boundary violations give me a headache I amsooooooo craving more..

Yeah, yeah, I know – I need to see someone about this..