Greyzone – A Very Fine Line Between Today And Tomorrow

In my most recent therapy session A and I had a conversation which went something like this:

A: “I think you have this idea that you can control which parts of you other people are allowed to see. But, then, there’s the unconscious communication.. which also plays a part.” Pause. Then, a gentle offer: “You can let go of that phantasy.”

Pause.

S: “That leaves me feeling…… exposed..”
A: “Good!” *smiles*

I think this may be my favourite moment in therapy thus far. Something in that exchange felt very honest, genuine. Made me think of Mearns & Cooper’s concept of relational depth.

Also it lead on to thinking about what letting go of that phantasy would mean, not only in my therapy, but on a wider level. That, if I am to embrace this idea that I’m not actually as in control of what other people can and can’t see as I’d like to believe, it also means that I’ll have to let go of the highly held notion that, as a child, I was sooo good an actress that there was no wayyy anyone could have understood what was really going on, that something was very very wrong, and ultimately leaving me with the conclusion that either people were genuinely blind, or they chose not to see. Neither of which is particularly nice to think of.

So, tonight I have the dubious pleasure of torturing myself with trying to figure out which option applies to whom.. Not great. Especially since A. is now off for two weeks, meaning that I’ll have to somehow find a way on my own, to not let these thoughts spin completely out of control.

Oh, I know – I’ve got a pretty busy schedule for these two weeks [indeed, all of September will be fairly manic] – and if I can only hold on until tomorrow morning I should, logically, be ok, having far too many other, more pressing, things to fill my pretty little brain with.

So.. bis morgen, meine lieben Freunde –
Tschüs!

xx

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Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow – Looking Back Is Looking Forward

Having one of them days again. You know. The kind when you struggle to get out of bed, despite the sun shining outside of your window – or possibly because the sun is shining outside the window. I dunno. Or, actually, I do know. I just think my reason for getting like this is a bit lame..

It’s his birthday today. Consequently the day I least want to celebrate or even remember. Only I do. Remember it, I mean. Not celebrate. It seems impossible for me to just forget it. Every year it reminds me of his existence, the effect he’s had on my life and even, for better or worse, the person that I am.

On the more positive side it’s my sister’s birthday on Tuesday. Something I do want to celebrate. For all the difficulties in my life, I am blessed to have the two best sisters the universe has ever seen. They do get me through an awful lot of things, just by being who they are, and by allowing me to share in their lives. And for that I am eternally grateful.

Tomorrow is two years to the day since I was first admitted to the women’s crisis centre. I think back and realise how much my life has changed since then. It’s almost unrecognisable. Back then I was one of those people who poured all of me, all my energy, into my job and I was struggling with the idea that I wasn’t able to work. In all honesty, I still struggle with that, because, I like working, I like feeling like I’m of some use to the world around me. But, I can also see that I needed that time off. That it’s been useful and necessary. Had I not taken that time, I doubt it I would still be here now.

As I’ve mentioned before I do some unpaid work these days. Not much, but enough to feel like it makes a difference. And recently I’ve actually upped the hours, which I think is a step in the right direction. I may not feel quite ready to go back to full-time paid employment, but I do enjoy having a sense of purpose in what little work I do do. Also, I am toying with the idea of studying. More than toying, really – but we’ll see if anything comes of it.

I have three long-term goals that I’m working towards. Life-time goals, more accurately, and I feel pretty sure that I will find a way to make them happen. I just don’t know how soon or in what order.

Either way, it doesn’t really matter. The point is that I have those goals. I think it’s important to have goals, a sense of journey, of going somewhere. Sure enough, life throws you curve-balls, and sometimes you simply can’t catch them; you have to settle for dodging them. But all the same, having a goal does help with all that.

I was at synagogue yesterday morning, and I was sitting – as I always do – with a person who is a long-standing member of the congregation. And I was thinking to myself: How blessed am I?

Two years ago I was at a place where I saw no meaning at all in sticking around. I just wanted to pack up, close the shop,catch the bus. And yet, here I was, two years later, in a place I’d never thought I’d find myself, with people I would never have met, feeling completely and utterly filled with gratitude. Thinking that I wouldn’t want to miss this for anything.

And this is what I try to keep in mind today, struggling as I am with difficult thoughts and feelings – that, if I don’t find a way to make it through today, that means I won’t be here tomorrow.

And if I’m not here tomorrow, who’s to say I won’t be missing out on a day like yesterday?

xx

Heather Nova’s live version of Gloomy Sunday