A. The therapist I worked with for nearer to five years. We did thrice weekly psychoanalytic therapy, and at the time it suited me very well. I learned a lot in those five years, and I wouldn’t have skipped the experience, in spite of how it finally ended. I worked with A. between April 2009 and January 2014.
Adult Me The adult, rational, reasoning, part of me, who sometimes gets terribly frustrated with how much time Baby and Little S. need to move forward, but who also spends a lot of time trying to parent, encourage and reassure the Littles when they are frightened. This is also the part of me that feels I ought to be in control of my feelings and emotional reactions to things, even when this is clearly not a reasonable expectation.
B. A therapist I saw for a brief time in 2009, prior to starting therapy with A. One of those lessons in listening to my heart, in terms of whether or not a particular therapist is a good fit.
*B* My sisters’ brother, four years younger than I.
Baby S. The very young, pre-verbal, part of my inner child; the part of me that has a massive fear of abandonment and who struggles hugely with attachment issues, because she spent the first few months of her life in an orphanage, lacking a genuine care giver to depend upon.
bob The part of me that can be extremely unstable and destructive [her full name is actually destructive bob]. bob comes out particularly when I experience emotional pain and don’t quite know what to do with it. The part that doesn’t really care about consequences, but tends to just act out in the moment. Adult Me can usually keep bob in check, but sometimes, when Adult Me is run down and exhausted bob wins out.
D. My first counsellor in the UK and someone who has had [and still has] a huge impact on me and how I understand counselling and therapy. This was the first time I truly got it that counselling and therapy isn’t just about talking, but it’s about the relationship and building trust. It was supposed to be only nine sessions of brief counselling, but somehow ended up being eight months of weekly sessions between April and December of 2008.
Dev My ex partner who I was with for about five years.
G. My sisters’ mother
H. A recent care coordinator who I was seeing up until June 2015.
K. The social care coordinator at my shul, who I have been seeing semi-regularly the last few years.
Little S. My inner child, my little, who sometimes reacts very strongly to things in the present, because it triggers memories and feelings from her past. Little S. is the part of me that was present throughout the abuse I suffered.
M. The person who was foster placed in my family for about a year when he was 16-17 and I was 9. One of the people I was sexually abused by.
My Family My mother, my father, my two older brothers and my one younger brother. Technically, my adoptive family, but it’s not a term we have ever used in my family. I was seven months old when I was adopted, and this is my family.
My Oldest Brother The nine years older brother by whom I was sexually abused from when I was about 4 until I was 17.
My Sisters My little sisters – 7 and 9 years younger than I. Technically, they aren’t my sisters at all, but to me they always have and always will be. Often when I use the term my sisters this actually includes *B*. I started looking after them after their father died, when I was 11.
My Sisters’ Family My sisters, *B*, G., – and these days also my sisters’ partners and children. I always think of them as my more than family .
O. My current care coordinator and the only NHS professional I see on a regular basis.
P. My current psychotherapist, who I have been seeing since February 2014. I see P. three times a week for attachment based psychoanalytic therapy. This is a therapy and relationship very different to most other, thus far.
Z. A counsellor I saw for 16 sessions in 2013 for trauma focused counselling, in parallel with working with A. Another one of those experiences that has been so helpful in allowing me to test my own ability to trust and to push myself .
There are two things I feel would like to clarify:
Firstly, when I talk about the different parts of myself, I don’t mean it in a dissociative identity disorder sort of way, as if I suddenly stop being one person and turn into another, I’ve just given the different parts [aspects] of myself names, to make it easier to explain things when I write my blog.
The second thing I want to highlight is that this is not a secret blog [although I have made a conscious decision to not tell my family about it, to allow myself to write freely], but it is a semi-anonymous blog. Because of this I do sometimes use creative licence to conjure up situations or alter aspects of relationships to illustrate a point. This is done to protect the identities of other people.
I feel very aware that I may have missed one or two of The Cast out. I’m writing this off the top of my head, as – for some unknown reason – the original version of this page mysteriously disappeared.. I am struggling to remember all the different letters I have assigned people through the years, as they’re generally not based on their actual name. If you check back later, I may have added more people to the list.
Be kind to your Selfs,